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The old man of fairy tales

Gigi Proietti (Rome, 2 November 1940), is an actor, comedian, director, singer, dubber and dubbing director.
Proietti has dubbed famous actors including Robert De Niro, Sean Connery, Sylvester Stallone, Richard Burton, Richard Harris, Dustin Hoffman, Charlton Heston and Marlon Brando, as well as being the Italian voice of the genie in "Aladdin" and the dragon in "Dragonheart".

The episode "Il vecchietto delle favole" (The old man of fairy tales) is part of Proietti's one-man theatrical show "A me gli occhi please" (1976, re-staged in 1993, 1996 and 2000), and makes large use of the Romanesco dialect, among whose main features is the almost total lack of inhibitions, therefore extremely rich in particularly colorful terms and phrases, used freely and without resorting to any replacement with synonyms.

The old man of fairy tales
Moreover, an insult is often just a way of reinforcing the language, as when a mother typically tells a child "vvié cqua, a fijo de 'na mignotta!" (come here, you son-of-a-b****).
Language corner: though gags and jokes are impossible to translate maintaiing the flavour of the dialect, below some of them are briefly explained.
  • the "Lega" referred to at 1:50 is a Northern Italian party, which is especially distrustful of Roman politics.
  • "Via del Tritone" is a narrow street in central Rome.
  • A "mora" is a blackberry but also a brunette
  • A "Viado" is a term of Brazilian origin used for a male prostitute
  • At 6:00, "Striscialo, Piglialo, Pungolo, Struscialo" are funny imitations of the Italian names of the Seven Dwarfs (Brontolo, Gongolo, Mammolo, Pisolo, Cucciolo)
  • "Pisello" (pea) is a common Italian alias for... think about it!
  • At 7:20, Cinderella understands the name "Ciambellano" as "c'ha 'n bell'ano"...
  • At 7:40, "grattare" (scratch) refers to a popular Italian lottery game "Gratta e vinci", scratch-and-win

[The video is not seen well with Internet Explorer 8 - in case watch it on YouTube directly.]
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0:00
Ma chi te l'ha detto? C'era una volta... C'era una volta... C'era una volta un re... no? Sì! No? Sì, sì!
But who told you that? Once upon a time... Once upon a time... There was once a king... no? Yes! No? Yes, yes!
0:25
Si te dico che c'era una volta un re, io m'a ricordo, un re ci stava!
No, no, c'era una volta un pezzo di legno... c'era una volta un pezzo di legno... ma cha c**** di favola è...
If I tell you that there was once a king, I remember, there was a king!
No, no, there was once a piece of wood... there was once a piece of wood... but what the f*** fairytale is this...
0:45
C'era una volta un re che c'aveva cinque figli... c'aveva tre figli... c'aveva quattro figli... c'aveva tre... due figli... ma quanti figli c'aveva?
There was once a king who had five children... had three children... had four children... had three... two children... but how many children did he have?
1:00
Basta! C'era una volta un re che non c'aveva manco un figlio, tant'è vero che la regina sbatteva la testa al muro disperata: "Come faremo adesso, co' tutti questi figli?"
Ma si non c'aveva manco un figlio...
Enough! There was once a king who had not even one child, so much so that the Queen banged her head against the wall in despair: "What shall we do now, with all these children?"
But if he had not even one child...
1:20
Basta! C'era una volta un re che c'aveva quattro figli, du' femmine e un maschio, e 'l quarto non si capiva bene... il re disse "Andate a chiamare... Andate a chiamare il Gatto con gli Stivali!!!"
Enough! There was once a king who had four children, two females and one male, and the fourth was not clear... the king said, "Go call... Go call Puss In Boots!!! "
1:35
Il gatto con gli stivali non ce se trovava... che stava dar calzolaro, che je s'erano rotti gli stivali.... capirai, aveva fatto sette leghe! Sette leghe... no, che sette! Aveva fatto ventiquattromila leghe, sotto ji stivali, no, sotto 'e leghe, no, 24 più 7, 4 e 14, 27 leghe... ma quante leghe??
Puss in Boots was not to be found... he was at the cobbler's, 'cause his boots had broken.... you know, he had gone seven leagues! Seven leagues... no, not seven! He had gone twenty-four thousand leagues under his boots, no, under the leagues, no, 24 plus 7, 4 and14, 27 leagues... but how many leagues ?
1:50
Come si nun bastasse 'na "Lega" sola... n'avrà fatte.... va bè, ritornava a casa la sera... ritornava a casa la sera gli facevano mali li piedi, e faceva "miao!"... 'a Gatta Mao, la moje, diceva "Hai voluto gli stivali? Mò stivàla!
As if one "League" wasn't enough... he might have gone.... Okay, back home in the evening... was returning home in the evening and his feet hurt, and he said "meow!"... Gatta Mao, his wife, said "You wanted the boots? Now go booting!
2:20
Cammina, cammina... Cammina, cammina... Chi? Er gatto! Ma si ji facevano male ji piedi! Beh, camminava storto! Arrivato immezzo ar bosco, il Gatto con gli Stivali s'addormentò.
Walk, walk... Walk, walk... Who? The Cat! But if his feet were hurting! Well, he walked crooked! Once he arrived inside the Forest, Puss in Boots fell asleep.
2:35
Arriva il Principe Azzurro a cavallo, che s'era magnato una cofana di bruschetta co' l'aglio, che galoppava co' la bocca aperta che aveva ammazzato tutte le zanzare del bosco
Here comes Prince Charming riding, who had eaten a tray full of bruschetta with garlic, galloping with open mouth and had killed all the mosquitoes of the Forest
2:50
Appena arriva... smonta da cavallo, va vicino al Gatto co' gli Stivali che dormiva, e gli dice: "Ehi, tu!"
As soon as he arrives... dismounts, went close to Puss in Boots sleeping, and says, "Hey, you!"
3:00
Er Gatto co' gli Stivali apre n'occhio e fa: "Hai fatto 'na puzza?" E lui ji dice: "No!" "N'hai fatta n'artra!" "No, no! Io adesso...." e continua imperterrito, tanto
Puss in Boots opens an eye and says, "You farted?" And he says, "No!" "You farted again!" "No, no! now I will..."and continues undeterred, so
3:20
"Adesso io con un bacio ti sveglierò!"
Er Gatto dice: "No, si permetti, me sveglio da solo!" Così se svejò er Gatto, e s'addormì er Micio... er Principe!
"Now I'll wake you with a kiss!"
Puss says, "No, if you please, I'll wake up by myself!" So Puss in Boots woke up, and the kitten fell asleep... the Prince!
3:45
Cammina, cammina, cammina... Chi? Er Principe! Ma si dormiva? Ahò, era sonnambulo, che ne so! Cammina, cammina, cammina... dopo tre anni che dormiva si risvegliò. Sbadigliò, e ammazzò quelle poche zanzare che erano rimaste sul mercato.
Walk, walk, walk... Who? The Prince! But if he was sleeping? Hey, he was sleepwalking, what can I know! Walk, walk, walk... after sleeping three years he awoke. He yawned, and killed those few mosquitoes that were left on the market.
4:05
C'aveva una fame, ma una fame che magnò tutte quelle molliche che stavano lì pe' terra.... Arriva Pollicino e fa: "Ma mo' io do' c**** vado senza le molliche?"
He had a hunger, but a hunger that he ate all those crumbs that were there on the ground .... Hop-o'-My-Thumb arrives and says, "But now where the f*** shall I go without crumbs?"
4:18
Cammina, cammina, cammina... Ma chi cammina? Tutti! Ner Bosco de le favole stanno sempre a camminà! C'è un traffico... che pare Via der Tritone all'ora de punta!
Walk, walk, walk... But who walks? Everybody ! In the Forest of fairy tales everybody is always walking! There is a traffic... that seems Via del Tritone in the rush hour!
4:30
Cammina, cammina, cammina... Venne Cappuccetto Rosso, col canestrello.... che andava a raccogliere le more. Mo', le more, cerca di qua, cerca di là, erano finite, non si trovavano più le more, ma come se fa?
Walk, walk, walk... It was Little Red Riding Hood, with her basket .... who was out picking blackberries. Now, blackberries, look here, look there, there were none left, there were no more blackberries, but what could be done?
4:50
Esce un Viados e fa "Ma una bionda non va bene?" "Nossignò, io voglio le more!!" A cerca le more, allarga un cespuglio, e dietro ar cespuglio ci stava la faccia del Lupo Cattivo, co l'occhi spalancati, co l'occhi iniettati di sangue!
One Viado comes out and says "But isn't a blonde good?" "Not at all, I want blackberries !!" While searching for blackberries, she widens a bush, and behind the bush there was the face of the Big Bad Wolf, eyes wide open , bloodshot eyes!
5:10
E Cappuccetto Rosso gli fece; "Lupo, Lupo, che occhi grandi che hai!" "E te credo, sto a fa' la cacca!" dice il lupo.
And Little Red Riding Hood made him; "Wolf, Wolf, what big eyes you have!" "And you think, I am doing my poop!" Says the wolf.
5:25
"Ho fatto ottanta chilometri, sette km, per veni' a trova' 'sto posto immezzo ar bosco, 'o conoscevo solo io, mo sei arrivata te, mo' vengono tutti qua
"I went eighty kilometers, seven kms, to find this place inside the forest, I only knew it, now you came, now everybody will come here
5:40
E non ti dico il lupo, indignato, se n'andò via co' la coda.... [scodinzolando] scodin-... sconz... il lupo, no, andò via sconz... il lupo andò via sconten... il lupo andò via! E andò dai Tre Porcellini...
And I cannot tell you how the wolf, indignant, went away with his tail .... [wagging his tail]... the wolf, ok, he left sconz... the wolf went away sconten... the wolf went away! He went to the Three Little Pigs ...
6:00
che erano due, Jimmi, e basta! "Allora che ci resto a fa' qua?!" Se ne andò, se ne andò e dice "Vado da Biancaneve e i Sette Nani!" Sì, sette! So' rimasti tre -quattro, Striscialo, Piglialo, Pungolo, Struscialo, e ti fermi lì!
they were two, Jimmi, and that's all! "Then what shall I stay here for?!" He left, went away and says "I'm going to find Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs!" Yes, seven! There were just three or four left, Piglialo, Pungolo, Struscialo, and stop there!
6:15
Intanto... intanto nel bosco, camminando, c'era la Principessa sul Pisello, che era 'na principessa che stava sempre sur pisello, però ce stava scomoda, insomma, je dava fastidio, perché... cresceva, no, la pianta, e lei stava sur materasso... je dava fastidio, insomma!
Meanwhile... Meanwhile, in the forest, walking, there was the Princess and the Pea, which was a princess who was always "on the pea", however, there she was uncomfortable, in short, it bothered her because... it grew, ok, the plant , and she was on the mattress... it bothered her, really!
6:40
Che è la prima principessa, che io sappia, che er pisello je dà fastidio... basta legge i giornali... però, dice... e stava lì, e ce stava anche la Fata Turchina, che correva perché Pinocchio je correva appresso che la voleva acchiappà!
Who is the first princess, that I know, that is bothered by a pea... just read the newspapers... but, she says... and she was there, and there was also the Blue Fairy, who was running because Pinocchio ran after her and wanted to catch her!
7:00
Però lei non se faceva acchiappà da Pinocchio "No, nun m'acchiappi!" E allor che facciamo? Andiamo da Cenerentola, Cenerentola, poverentola, che stava davanti al caminentolo, tutta zozza, di cenere e artre cose che non se ponno dì!
But she did not let herself be caught by Pinocchio "No, you won't catch me!" Well then, what shall we do? Let's go to Cinderella, Cinderella, poor-ella, who stood before the fireplace-ello, she all filthy, of ash and other things that can't be said!
7:20
Vent'anni che non se lavava, sente fare: "Toc toc!" "Chi ek?" "è... Ciambellano!" "Che c'ha?" dice "Io... ti porto fortuna!
Twenty years she had not washed, she hears "Knock knock!" "Who is?" "It's... Chamberlain!" "What has...?" He says, "I'll bring you luck ...!
7:40
Dice: "Adesso... grattati, e vedrai che vinci"
"Ma io so' vent'anni che me gratto, ma ancora non ho vinto niente!"
"Invece adesso hai vinto una bella scarpetta di cristallo!"
He says: "Now... scratch yourself, and you will win"
"But I've been scratching twenty years, and still have not won anything!"
"But now you've won a nice glass shoe!"
8:00
"Togliti quella ciabatta!"
"Ma non se leva più, s'è 'ncatramata!"
"Togliti quella ciabatta!"
"Va bè", e Cenerentola dopo un po' di fatica, co' un po' d'olio se scatramò la ciavatta, e venne su una formaggera...
"Take off the strip!"
"But I cannot take it off any more, it's stuck!"
"Take off that strip!"
"Okay", and Cinderella after a little hard work, with a little oil untarred the old slipper, and cheese dish came out...
8:20
Er Ciambellano svenuto per terra, tutti i topi del bosco a sentire quel profumo vennero cor Pifferaio Magico, ma rimasero delusi, perché lui je disse "è solo un piede!"
The Chamberlain passed out on the floor, all the mice of the forest to smell that perfume came with the Pied Piper, but they were disappointed, because he said to them "It is only a foot!"
8:30
Intanto fuori la Principessa cor Pisello se cominciava a abituà, e la Fata Turchina corri, corri, corri, dopo se stancò, inciampò, e andò a finire a bocca sotto, e Pinocchio che stava là vicino, je cascò addosso, di dietro, co tutto er naso
Meanwhile, outside the Pea Princess was beginning to get used to it, and the Blue Fairy after running, running, running, got tired, stumbled, and it ended mouth down, and Pinocchio who was nearby, fell on her, from behind and with all his nose
8:50
E allora la Fata Turchina disse "Pinocchio mio, dì la bugia, dì la bugia, dì la bugia!" Insomma, la Fata Turchina, Pinocchio, i Tre Moschettieri che non ho detto, er Gatto co' gli Stivali, er Principe, e Zanzare, Cappuccetto Rosso, la Fata Turchina, e Pinocchio, Cenerentola er Ciambellano vissero tutti insieme felici e contenti!
And then the Blue Fairy said "my Pinocchio, tell a lie, tell a lie, tell a lie!" In short, the Blue Fairy, Pinocchio, the Three Musketeers whom I did not say about, Puss in Boots, the Prince, and Mosquitoes, Red Riding Hood, the Blue Fairy, Pinocchio, Cinderella, the Chamberlain, all together lived happily ever after!